Does NOT Play Well With Others

Published on February 12, 2013 by   ·   No Comments

I would probably be a people person, except something always fucks it up.  Usually, it’s people.

000000000000 Hate Hate I don’t know exactly how or why I developed this generalized distaste for my fellow human beings, but I’m sure working retail for the last couple of decades has had something to do with it.  I think that retail service should be compulsory, the way military service is in other countries.  If everyone had to spend at least a year or two doing retail and/or food service, maybe we’d have a lot fewer douchebags running around pissing off the entire planet.  If they actually had to work in that situation and see how the world works, perhaps they could fire enough of those dormant synapses to realize that shockingly, no, the entire world does not revolve around them and their every shopping whim.

Luckily my current position means that I don’t deal with the northern menace as often as I used to when I worked at the mall.  What is this “northern menace,” you ask?  Canadians.  Now, I’m not trying to be racist; in fact, I love Canadians…in their own natural habitat.  There are some Canadians who have come to this country and established roots, becoming fine upstanding citizens (or for some, drunk barely-standing-up citizens – you know who you are!).  But something happens to our northern neighbors when they travel for leisure that can put the most well-balanced among us into a violent mood – so imagine what it does to a nutball like me!

First of all, they are unable to shop without destroying entire displays.  They take items out of packaging (even if there is000000000000 Hate Shut Up a display item right in front of their faces), and then throw it back on the shelf, taking an unopened package with them if they’ve decided to make the purchase.  They get uppity if you don’t accept Canadian currency, and they seem unable to compute the idea that you wouldn’t accept their debit cards.  Those cards are part of your national banking system; remember that big cement building that you had to pass through while you were leaving your nation?  And I don’t care how close we are to the border, dipshit; there are a LOT of stores in southern California that don’t accept pesos.  Go to a fucking bank.  And after you do, please don’t feel the need to comment on how “confusing” or “complicated” our money is.  I’m sorry we didn’t color-code it for you like you’re a special needs toddler, but we trust grown ass adults to be able to read simple numbers.  Our bad.

Not that Canadians have cornered the market on public stupidity.  I know this is where I’m going to lose the hardcore redneck contingent (“Fuck them fer’ners!  This is ‘Merica, Gee-dammit!”), but we have plenty of tools in the tool shed right here in the U. S. of A.  Perhaps we are just getting dumber and dumber as a species, heading inexorably toward some terrifying Idiocracy-esque future.  This is what we get for brandishing our middle finger at Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” worldview, and setting up social controls to protect the weak stock that should be weeded out before they are able to reproduce.  If you are walking on a sidewalk in the winter, when the roads are icy, and you suddenly, with no warning, make a sharp 90 degree turn out into the street, you probably need to die.  Seriously.  Kindergarteners know to stop and look both ways before crossing the street.  I’m sorry that you’re going to be 30 seconds late to catch the latest episode of 16 and Pregnant,but them’s the breaks.  The Darwin Awards have the right idea – we need to celebrate those people who are too stupid to function who excuse themselves from the gene pool.  Harsh?  Maybe.  But it’s a harsh fucking world.

000000000000 Hate PeopleHow did I get so bitter about the human race?  Is it because Valentine’s Day is mere hours away and my Match.com profile got rejected for “inappropriate content” (for more on that fiasco, check out my blog post The Last of the Red Hot Dates)?  Maybe a little.  But c’mon Match.com, sometimes the truth is ugly and clothed in four-letter words.  Ok, maybe I went a little too far when I said that anyone who uses the term “straight-acting” is a self-hating moron who apparently doesn’t understand the difference between gender expression and sexuality and would probably be hatefully boring in bed, but it said to be authentic and that IS authentic to who I am: 1. I DO know the difference between gender expression and sexuality, 2. “straight-acting” is an offensive term and it can be argued that it arises from internalized homophobia that equates normative expressions of masculinity with heterosexuality, and 3. I don’t want someone who’s boring in bed (Honey, I’m a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets!).  Apparently Match.com doesn’t appreciate my…bluntness.  Well, fuck them and their sugar-coated, heteronormative application!

Tina FeyI think my bitterness stems from the fact that this stupidity seems to get harder and harder to escape all the time.  They keep infiltrating deeper and deeper into the culture, and they keep doing more and more harm.  Remember this last election when you could barely pick your jaw up off the fucking floor from the last time before the next sharp-suited-creeper came along to say something horribly offensive about rape?  That “legitimate rape” wouldn’t lead to pregnancy, that rape victims just need a shot of testosterone, bat-shit crazy stuff like that?  The people saying those things weren’t some nutter on a street corner, standing around with a cardboard sign saying “The End is Near” or trying to show you the scar from his last alien abduction; they were real live elected officials.  People who are in charge of some fairly important things.  People who love oxymorons so much, they decided to put Michelle Bachmann on the Intelligence Committee.  Yeah, that happened.

And it’s not just politics.  Stupid people are making decisions in schools, in the health professions, everywhere.  And it’s not that these people weren’t always around, but I always felt, perhaps naively, that there was some sort of barrier of common sense that kept them on the fringe.  So that when some airhead from Alaska comes along and says, “Gee, I think evolution is all just a bunch of hooey made up by dirt-worshipping heathens to cover up the fact that the Earth is only a couple thousand years old and Adam and Eve used to party in the Garden of Eden with a jaunty T-Rex,” the average person would try to figure out what kind of fucked up pharmaceutical interaction she was having.  Not make her a nominee for Vice President of the United States.  Or when bible-thumping extremists come along and propose adopting abstinence-only sex education in North Dakota schools years after it has been adopted and shown to be ineffective in other states, people might say, “You know, that’s not a great idea since study after study after study has shown that abstinence-only sex education actually leads to increases in STIs and teen pregnancies, and lowers the average age at which teens have their first sexual encounter by up to a year” instead of “Super!  Sign us up!  Maybe we’ll finally get a North Dakota girl on Teen Mom!”  But then, what do I know?  I’m a drag queen, not a fucking public health official.

000000000000 Hate FingerI guess I’m just getting burnt out on all of this rampant stupidity at all levels, from mundane shopping experiences to the movers and shakers who shape our public policy.  There should be more voices out there calling out this stupidity for what it is, and in some cases, for the danger it represents.  To paraphrase John Chafee from his book The Thinker’s Way, “Everyone has a right to their opinion, but everyone does not have the right to think that every opinion has the same level of merit or validity” (that was probably a hatchet job of paraphrasing, but you get the point).  If you are going to ignore the basic understandings of science, or act without even the slightest courtesy or compassion for your fellow human beings, or throw common sense to the wind, then you should expect to be judged harshly and loudly by big-mouth bitches like me.  I mean, even accounting for cultural differences in manners and etiquette, there has to be some baseline standard for what is appropriate and what is not in terms of how we interact with each other and the world at large.  Isn’t there?

Maybe I’m just a bitter old queen who needs a drink.  I just wish I didn’t have so much to drink about.

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