This isn’t going to be your typical year in review, mostly because I drink too much and I lack focus. Like AWOL Nation says, “Blame it on my ADD.” In fact they said that a LOT, over and over and over and over and over again in what I think is the most simultaneously catchy and annoying song of 2013, “Sail.” Instead of a look at the Top Ten Whatever of 2013, I’m just going to spend a little time looking back at some of the best and the worst of the year. Just my random thoughts, all collected together. Then I’m going to fix myself yet another cocktail and probably pass out on the kitchen floor. 2014 is off to an amazing start!
So here’s what I think (or at least what I remember) of 2013:
Thanks to Taylor Swift, I finally got a year older: I’ve been celebrating my 21st birthday for as long as I can remember. It’s become a tradition. In fact, 2013 was to have been my 14th annual celebration (those of you who are good at math can do your calculations and then just keep your whore mouths shut!). But Taylor Swift had other plans. On her RED album, the not-so-lucky-in-love crooner had an upbeat little number called “22.” Even before it became a single and assaulted the airwaves from every direction, I was taken by the song. Ironically, I find myself at an age where I sometimes look back at my early 20s and think about how crazy and confused everything was – and just like the song says, I still have nights where I feel like I’m 22. So on the one hand I feel like Taylor Swift is an idiot: you feel like you’re 22 because you ARE 22. But there’s something in that song for someone like me who still wakes up more mornings than not feeling like that hip budding drag queen from the 90s who was full of ideas and glitter and too much vodka. So I decided, if only to be able to make use of the song, that this would be the year that I finally turn 22.
I’m not sure it will keep, though. After all, 2014 is the 15th annual 21st birthday celebration, and who doesn’t love a five-year milestone??
Amanda Bynes is fucked up! (She sho is!): Leave it to DWV to take the greatest celebrity meltdown since bald Britney attacked a minivan with an umbrella and combine it with one of the hottest club songs of the year that may or may not be about date rape. If you haven’t checked out their parody song “Blurred Bynes,” you need to immediately if not sooner check out the video posted below. it will crack your shit up.
The Amanda Bynes meltdown got sad pretty quickly, but it did give us some pretty fantastic moments, most of the them through her unhinged Twatter. Besides posting pictures of herself trying to look like some stripper that rapper Drake is allegedly in love with (and telling him to murder her vagina) and attacking stars like Rhianna calling them ugly, she at one point posted a tweet about her horrendous Halloween wig that seemed to be comparing herself to a cancer patient (when people complained, she explained it away by saying that it was mis-punctuated, and that it should have said she felt like a cancer: patient, as in the Zodiac sign. Ummm, yeah.). She also started a fire in a woman’s driveway, accidently catching her clothing and her dog on fire in the process. Bynes is apparently getting help and is now pleasantly medicated (yawn), so we’ll just have to hope some other coked out starlet will give us great head(lines) in 2014. Now Bynes needs to either focus on getting her career back on track, or she and Lindsay Lohan can finally start that Tuesday night meth and karaoke club they’ve always dreamed about.
The Miley Cyrus v. Sinead O’Connor Sorta Feud: Not far behind the Bynes debacle is the weird fight between Miley Cyrus and Sinead O’Connor that mostly happened on Twitter and Facebook. It all started innocently enough: Miley was on a late night talk show discussing her racy “Wrecking Ball” video and mentioned that it was inspired by O’Connor’s 1992 video for “Nothing Compares To You.” Which could have been just a nice moment, but no. O’Connor, apparently peeved that her video was mentioned in the same breath as Miley Cyrus riding around naked on construction equipment and licking a sledgehammer decided to respond. And because she’s apparently batshit crazy and thinks she’s Martin Luther breaking from the Catholic tradition, she decided to address the situation in an open letter to the young singer. Not the most effective tactic since 1. nobody fucking writes open letters anymore and 2. in order for an open letter to be effective, the person it’s directed towards has to be able to read it. Nevertheless, Sinead fired off her open letter telling Miley that she needs to work on empowering herself more as an artist; in the spirit of empowerment, O’Connor called Cyrus a whore 5 or 6 times. Girl power, indeed. And that was only the first volley.
Now Miley could have simply ignored it or issued a simple statement through a publicist, but then she wouldn’t be the trailer park Disney princess we all know and love. Instead, she decided to take a page from the Regina George Mean Girls playbook and dig back to the archives: specifically, she found posts from Sinead’s facebook page from two years ago when Sinead was in the grips of a pretty dramatic bipolar episode, and reposted them as if they were new posts. This worked Sinead into a whole new froth in which she wrote at least three more open letters (because the first one was so effective she decided to stick with a tried and true format) demanding an apology, threatening legal action, and talking about her struggle with bipolar disorder and tying her own experiences to those of, you guessed it, Amanda Bynes! I wouldn’t be surprised if Sinead has a new project lined up for 2014 and her attempts to tie herself to troubled trendsetters Cyrus and Bynes are just a publicity stunt, but you don’t have to worry about O’Conner twerking her way through a VMA performance any time soon.
And on the subject of twerking…: Twerking has been around for a while. I have a Destiny’s Child remix album from 2002 that mentions twerking on the remix for “Jumpin Jumpin.” But 2013 was definitely the year of the twerk. Now that we’ve celebrated it, can we please be done with it? Please?
Forced Early Retirement Looks Good On A Bitch: 2013 was also when I celebrated my forced early retirement from my primary employment. That’s right, a bitch got sacked. Canned. Out with the trash. Well, sort of. I didn’t get fired. I was actually pretty good at my job. Unfortunately the book business just isn’t what it used to be and they decided to cut me loose along with a few hundred others from across the chain. But that’s ok. After the initial shock wore off, I realized how miserable I had been and that I should have gotten myself out a long time ago. Still, I don’t envy anyone who has to navigate the antiquated machinery of the unemployment system. I was only out of work for about a month and a half, and I was ready to cut a bitch with a rusty blade…
The Fabulous JuJubee: 2013 was also the year I got to meet and perform with one of my favorite Drag Race queens, JuJubee, at the Wayne State College “Cancer Is A Drag” show in Wayne, Nebraska. She was fabulous. Other queens on the list? Pandora Boxx, Detox, and Penny Tration. And Sharon Needles is pretty fierce and creepy.
Who Gives A Fuck Dynasty: Apparently some redneck with a Unabomber beard who wears nothing but camo said something homophobic. Color me surprised. And while you may have a constitutional right to speech, there is no constitutional right to appear on a reality television show, so calm your tits you Republican fuckwits.
Lil Poundcake: How could you not love this creation by Alaska Thunderfuck from Drag Race Season 5? She’s filthy and fabulous, and has taken on a life of her own!
Britney Needs Help Paying The Bills: Money must be tight in the Spears household. I’m sure her Disney money is long gone and someone’s got to put Red Bull into the mouths of those two little Federlines (Hey what the fuck ever happened to Kevin Federline anyway??). Britney’s first single off her new album seemed to be a rather monotone homage to drag queen spirit (although, you need to get it right, Brit: it’s WERK, bitch, not WORK) whose video was the most yawn-worthy display of faux S&M I’ve ever seen. It’s not surprising that a bottle of Brit’s fragrance makes a cameo in one of the scenes where she is sitting at a vanity in the middle of the desert, like you do; her second single, “Perfume,” is even more uninspired and may as well just be called “Buy some of my perfume because I got bills to pay and I’m tired of giving handjobs to crackheads at the bus station.” And as for the line, “I hope she smells my perfume,” I’m sure she can – your perfume is some super pungent whorestink.
Brave Vs. Roar: They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. That’s one way of looking at it. When Sara Bareilles put out a new single, “Brave” earlier is 2013, a lot of people were impressed, including fellow musician Katy Perry. Perry tweeted at Bareilles about how much she loved the song. Fast forward as Katy Perry is getting ready for the release of her newest studio album, Prism, and people couldn’t help but notice that the first single, “Roar,” sounded more than just a little like Bareilles’ tune. Listen to the mashup below and decide for yourself whether this is a case of artistic inspiration or outright thievery!
So that is the end of my fabulous Year in Review…at least for now! Think I’ve made an egregious error and left out something that should have made it to the Year In Review? Post it in the comment below! Let’s see what new shenanigans 2014 has in store for us!
Tags: 2013 Year in Review, 2014, 22, Amanda Bynes, Blurred Bynes, Brave, Brave Vs Roar Controversy, Britney Jean, Britney Spears, Celebrity Fued, Celebrity Meltdown, Detox, DWV, Happy New Year, Janessa, Janessa J, Janessa J Champagne, Janessa Jaye, Janessa Jaye Champagne, JuJubee, Katy Perry, Lil Poundcake, Miley Cyrus, Miss Jaye, New Year, new years, New Years Day, New Years Eve, Pandora Boxx, perfume, Prism, Remembering 2013, Roar, Sara Bareilles, Sharon Needles, Sinead O'Connor, Taylor Swift, Twerk, Vicky Vox, Wayne America, Wayne Nebraska, Wayne State College, Willam, Work Bitch, Year End Countdown