The Costume Conundrum: What Will YOU Be?

Published on October 4, 2014 by   ·   No Comments

It’s the most wonderful time of the year – not because hunky football players are running around in tight spandex pants, or because we can finally start our “month to go” countdown calendar for political candidates to STFU, or because the wretched pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks (shut your pieholes, white girls, and stop blowing up my Twitter feed!).  It’s the magical, mystical time of year when you get to ask yourself that soul-searching, self-defining question: what am I going to be for Halloween?

Now, if you’re like me you already started the process a couple of months ago and have been Ebay-bidding and hot-gluing your way to Halloween fabulousness since about June.  But for those of you who put things off until the calendar flips to October, I thought I’d give you a rundown of possible sartorial choices for All Hallow’s Eve.  (Need a place to wear your fancy costume?  Read about a couple of great costume friendly events in Grand Forks coming up HERE and HERE.  Bismarck peeps, you might want to get shopping a little early for an event you can read more about HERE.)

00000 Costume ElsaTHE OBVIOUS CHOICE: Elsa from Frozen

Frozen was released by Disney in late November of last year, so it’s challenge is that it’s not super fresh in movie-goers’ minds.  However, I still think this is going to be an obvious “go to” for a lot of kids and adults.  This is the first Halloween since the movie came out, so I’m sure that ice princesses will abound, and with Frozen becoming the highest-selling children’s movie on Amazon after only a couple of weeks, there will be plenty of Elsas out there belting out their signature tune.  I’m sure a fair share of Annas and Olafs and Svens may also appear, but they didn’t get power ballads with coming out subtext voiced by both Idina Menzel and Demi Lovato, so the obvious choice goes to Elsa.  Plan to be one of many if you go this route (and of course, don’t forget to enter my Halloween Beauty Giveaway with three great prizes, including a Frozen-themed nail polish set! Find it HERE).  If you must, then so be it.  My advice?  Just let it go…

T00000 Costume 3 BoobsHE VIRAL VIDEO OPTION: The Third Boob Woman

Ugh, if only this had happened back in February, I think people would have forgotten about this stupid hoax about a woman claiming to get a third boob added to her body to make herself unattractive to men.  Unfortunately, since it happened in September, I’m sure there will be plenty of ladies shoving Nerf balls down their shirts.  The problem with that hoax video was its premise: straight men (so I’m told) are entertained by three things – beer, blowjobs, and boobs.  Why would anyone think that adding another boob would make men go away?  To perfect this costume, make sure to cover your artificially enhanced rack with a tshirt that says “Mean People Suck, Nice People Swallow” and carry around a 6 pack of longnecks, and then act annoyed whenever men talk to you.  This costume is only acceptable with a healthy dose of irony.

00000 Costume HazmatTHE TACKY & TASTELESS OPTION: Ebola-Related Costumes

It’s the end of the world and we know it, and I feel fine!  Why not commemorate this year’s terrifying health scare with a well-crafted Halloween costume?!  Be a health worker in a homemade hazmat suit – lots of rubber, some goggles, and you’re good to go!  I actually sto…”borrowed” this idea from a blog by James St. James.  He loves tacky and tasteless more than my glittery heart ever could, so I’ll let you peruse his 9 Totally Tasteless Costumes HERE!  Just be careful – learn from THIS STORY about a woman who was fired and received death threats because of her tasteless choice in costumes!  Let’s keep it classy out there, WoC readers!

Supermodel Bat VillainsTHE COLORFUL & SEXY OPTION: Batman Villains

In the DC vs. Marvel world, I usually come down on the Marvel side (I’m a huge X-men nerd!) but when it comes to classic and colorful, with just a hint of cheese, nobody beats the Rogue’s Gallery of the Caped Crusader: Joker, Riddler, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Killer Moth – all of these dastardly villains have appeared in guises that are saturated with color and just a little quirk.  You can play up the camp like 60s Batman – what better way to celebrate the DVD release coming this November?! – or go dark and broody like more contemporary iterations.  I’ve had a couple versions of a Poison Ivy costume, and there are tons of other great options as well.  Maybe I should break out a sleek black catsuit as Catwoman?  So many possibilities!

Did I mention that the 60s Batman is FINALLY coming out on DVD?!  Pre-order on Amazon with Release Date Delivery?  I think so…

Yoda Trannie HookerTHE “SURE TO INSPIRE NERD RAGE” OPTION: Twisted Star Wars

I can’t help it – I love to try to incite nerd rage.  I am a nerd myself and I have gotten into some pretty heated discussion about the properties I love (usually X-men or Buffy the Vampire Slyer, but occasionally Dark Shadows); perhaps that’s why I love to try to make the veins stand out on some poor nerd’s face by saying that the new Star Wars movies are nothing more than 6-plus hours of poorly-written visual masturbation.  Why not take it a step further and created a twisted version of your favorite Star Wars character?  Perhaps Leia with ginormous sticky buns for hair – not only a clever costume, but you’ll have snacks for the night!  Or maybe you could make an Anakin out of cardboard (its acting skills should be on par with Hayden Christiansen), shackle it to your leg, and go as Amidala looking for a space judge to annul your ill-conceived marriage!  And Yoda?  So many options.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed the resemblance between Yoda and the female Gremlin from Gremlins 2.  And he is oddly interested in a young Luke Skywalker; why not a science fiction twist on the old priest-and-child costume?!  Pick one of these options or one of your own, and let the nerd rage commence!

Why not incite nerd rage with a Doctor Who-inspired costume, you ask?  This is tricky.  If you know enough Doctor Who to be able to make fun of some of the classic bad choices (K-9 anyone?), you’re probably enough of a nerd that the sarcasm won’t have enough sting to it.  Only know the 2000s Doctor Who?  What are you, a fucking hipster?!  Leave this to the professionals…

00000 Costume SlutTHE MEAN GIRLS OPTION: Lingerie and Ears

Every night between about 1 and 2:30 am, the downtown area of Grand Forks (and, I imagine, any other city big enough to have a downtown with bars) experiences a phenomenon I like to call “The Running of the Whores”: scantily-clad young women staggering on high-heeled shoes out into traffic, drunkly giggling and clutching onto anything moving that seems steadier than she is – which is pretty much everything.  Usually I watch this with a snarled lip, trying not to splatter skank across the front of Stella, my trusty Chevy Malibu.  On Halloween, however, “The Running of the Whores” swells to epic proportions.  Why?  Because of Mean Girls: as we learned from a young, pre-breakdown LiLo, Halloween is the one night a year where “a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything.  The hardcore girls usually go with lingerie and some sort of animal ears.”  That right, ladies – time to break out that lingerie that barely sees the light of day (or night…or…whatever) for a romantic tryst on Valentine’s or a not-so-romantic tryst from Craigslist, and wear it to your Halloween shindig.  I would prefer that you tried to give it some sort of interesting twist, like trying to imagine the “slutty pumpkin” from How I Met Your Mother, but I won’t say anything if you’re just a bunny or a cat or whatever.  I can’t say anything; LiLo said so.

WWant to read a random blog I found celebrating the “slutty” Halloween costume?  HERE you go…it’s not terribly deep, but then we’re talking about public lingerie wearing.  Not exactly Pulitzer material.


Whatever you decide to do for Halloween, do it because you think it will be fun, or clever, or sexy, or whatever you want out of your Halloween.  Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year, and I love coming up with new costumes and planning for shows.  I don’t want to do something because it’s cool or trendy, or because some loud mouth drag queen told me I should or shouldn’t do it.  You do you, baby.

What are YOU going to be for Halloween?  Comment below and let us know!

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